The Wisdom of Teeth
by HistoryLights
Summary: When Kili came home from school one day, complaining of a sore mouth, Bilbo didn't think anything of it. Surely he was being dramatic. When it happened again the very next day, however, he began to grow concerned.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter one

To say that it had been an enormous transition to go from having only one body to look after and feed to becoming the uncle of an attention starved teen boy and another in college who had no idea how to go about working a washing machine was a bit of an understatement. He felt like he was getting the hang of it though

When Kili came home from school one day, complaining of a sore mouth, Bilbo didn't think anything of it. Surely he was being dramatic. When it happened again the very next day, however, he began to grow concerned.

The third time it happened, Bilbo decided that something had to be done.

"Kili, darling," he crooned gently to the stubborn teen. "How am I supposed to help you if you refuse to let me have a look?"

Kili gave his soon-to-be uncle a pitiful look. Bilbo sighed.

"Yes, I know it hurts but you are going to have to open your mouth at some point. How are you going to eat otherwise?" Kili gave him a panicked look like he hadn't considered this before Bilbo mentioned it.

Bilbo cradled Kili's head gently. "Come now, Pet," he said, caressing the boy's cheek with him thumb until the tension began to loosen ever-so-slightly.

That's it, Love," he crooned again as Kili parted his lips slowly, wincing at the stretch in his mouth.

Bilbo picked up his small pen light from the kitchen table and shone it into his mouth. He looked for any sign of what might be causing the teen's discomfort.

Kili gave a pained whine and Bilbo turned off the light. He rubbed gently at the sore joint with his thumb again and gave Kili a sympathetic smile.

"Well," he said. "The good news is that your jaw is in no danger of falling off." He chuckled at Kili's glare. Bilbo stood up from the table and went in search of his mobile.

"The bad new, however," He said as he fihed his phone out of his jacket pocket "is that it looks like your wisdom teeth are beginning to come in."

Wisdom teeth?" Kili asked curiously and perked up. Bilbo laughed as he dialed.

"No, Sweetheart, they do not grant you infinite amounts of wisdom." Kili went back to pouting.

"Thorin Oakenshield," said a masculine voice in Bilbo's ear on the other line. A voice that he didn't think that he would ever get the privilege to hear ever again.

"Hello, Thorin," he said. "How are you today?" Kili looked up at the sound of his uncle's name.

"Being irritated by the annoying beast you call an ex-boyfriend," he replied moodily. "Other than that, absolutely fantastic. Is there a reason you called?"

Bilbo rolled his eyes, causing Kili to giggle. "First off," he said. "Smaug and I never actually dated. We had a one night stand... on several different occasions. Second, just the fact that he exists at all annoys you, Love. And thirdly," he paused and winked at Kili who attempted a grin in response.

"Thirdly, Thorin Oakenshield, what if I simply called to hear the voice of the most most amazing and wonderful man that I have ever known and am extremely pleased to be able to call my fiance?"

There was a beat of silence on the other end as Bilbo imagined Thorin's brave attempt to process all of what he had just said.

"...did you call just to hear my voice, Bilbo?" This time Thorin sounded hesitant, almost shy and Bilbo could feel himself nearly melting at the tone. Good Lord, how had he ever managed to convince himself that he hadn't love this man? The thought now seemed almost impossible to comprehend.

He was brought back to reality by a soft cough from Kili. The teenager was looking pointedly between him and the phone. Bilbo felt himself blushing and cleared his throat.

"I always want to hear your voice my love," he said. "But, no, that is not the sole reason that I called. Your nephew needs a dentist."

"...what happened?" came Thorin's reply. Bilbo just managed to stop himself from giggling at his immediate thought that there had been an accident.

"Nothing, Dear," he said. "It's just, I think his wisdom teeth are coming through and I'd like him to see a dentist before they hurt him anymore than they already are."

Over the phone, he heard Thorin sigh. "Ah, the wonderful slice of adolescence that is wisdom teeth. I'd forgotten about that particular joyful experience."

Bilbo strode up to the teenager and started stroking his hair back from his face. "Yes, and we really should get this taken care of quickly, Thorin."

He heard the gentle clacking of a keyboard ad the occasional 'click click' of a mouse.

"Thorin?" he asked. "Are you still there?" He combed his nails through Kili's dark hair. Kili, for his part, was enjoying the attention immensely and started to purr at Bilbo's caress. Bilbo chuckled fondly.

His attention was pulled back to Thorin when the sound of a printer started and his finance said, "Right, tomorrow at 1:30 pm. Dr. Mallard's office. 147 Heathrow. I'm printing his confirmation information as we speak."

Bilbo blinked. That was fast.

"Oh, well, Heathrow isn't far from here, so I'm assuming that I'm keeping him with me tonight?" he asked absentmindedly braiding a chunk of black hair. Kili's eyes lit up at the prospect of missing school the next day.

"That's the idea," Thorin responded. "No point in moving him now. And I've got an early afternoon meeting with your ex...thing...that I can't miss. I'll stop by after work with some clothes and my insurance card."

Bilbo rolled his eyes. No matter what the situation, Thorin would always be Thorin.

The two chatted about miscellaneous things for a few minutes more before Thorin was called away for a conference call. After saying his goodbyes, Bilbo hung up ans put the phone on the table with a contented sigh.

"It's sickening how cute you two are sometimes," Kili commented offhandedly, looking up at Bilbo with a twinkle in his eye.

Bilbo tapped him lightly on the nose. "Don't let your uncle hear you say that," he said in a mock stern tone. "You know how painfully shy he can be."

The two looked at one another briefly before breaking down into helpless peals of laughter.

After a few minutes, Bilbo wiped his eyes and went to the cabinets. "I guess I should get started on dinner then, huh kiddo?" he said opening the doors to him spacious pantry.

"Seriously though," said Kili, leaning over the back of the chair. "You two really are perfect for one another." 

Bilbo couldn't stop the pleased smile from slipping out. "I'm glad you think so," his smile took on a sinister gleam. "But I do have to wonder whether you will still feel that way once the honeymoon hits..."

The grimace on the boy's face was all the answer he needed. Gods how he loved this family, he thought as he laughed.

Chapter one/end


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two

The office was, in one word, dreary. The walls were an off-white (Bilbo had called the color 'Antique Lace' but to Kili it was just boring). There were generic pictures of various fruit spread intermittently along the walls and framing the few windows that showed a sunny spring day outside. The carpets were white and not soft in the slightest.

Kili sat in the stiff chair, staring up at the popcorn white ceiling. He a blue plastic bib clasped around his neck as he waited for the dentist to show up. He'd been waiting for what seemed like centuries now (it had really only been about ten minutes but it might as well have been an eternity as far as he was concerned).

He wished he'd taken Bilbo up on his offer to wait in the room with him. At least then he'd have someone to talk to. But no, he had insisted on going at it alone. He wasn't some child who needed coddling because he was afraid of the big bad dentist. He didn't need a babysitter.

Bilbo had smiled indulgently and pushed him gently toward the door with the smiling nurse. He said that if at any time Kili changed his mind, he would be sitting right here and to not hesitate.

Which he wouldn't. Change his mind that is. Of course he wouldn't. He could handle this all on his own.

His resolved diminished slightly as the door to the room slowly began to open. All at once, the teenager realized that he was in a chair surrounded by pointy objects and syringes. What if the dentist was a mad scientist and was only pretending to be a dentist in order to entice unsuspecting citizens so that he could drug them and turn them into his mindless slave while he took over the world with blue plastic bibs and maybe having Bilbo in the room wouldn't have been so bad...

"Well, it seems that your uncle was quite correct Kili," said the not-an-evil-scientist dentist. He was an older man with white hair and the fluffiest, busiest mustache Kili had ever seen. You couldn't even see his mouth when he closed it! Dwalin would have been super jealous. "It looks like you've got an impacted third molar on your lower right side."

That meant absolutely nothing to the teen. Hadn't Bilbo said something about wisdom teeth? What the hell was a third molar?

The dentist continued on, oblivious to Kili's thoughts. He wasn't sure whether the man was even talking to him or to the assistant standing off to the side, making notes on a clip board.

"It looks like a partial eruption as well, so that would explain the pain you've been in recently. You've also got a second one starting to peek out on top as well. Unfortunately we'll have to get that one removed as well just to be on the safe side."

Ah so he _was _talking to him. What on earth for? It wasn't as if Kili could easily answer him, what with the man's fat fingers wedged in his mouth. Not unless he bit him anyway, and somehow, Kili didn't think the man would be too please with that.

He rooted around some more in the teen's mouth, making note of some cavities starting to form (oops? What did he want him to do? Stop with his morning energy drink? Highly unlikely).

After a few more minutes, he finally pulled out his hands.

"Well," he said. "Aside from those third molars coming in and a few things a good brushing should cover, it looks like you're in good shape."

Kili nodded and shut his mouth with a click. He winced at the sharp pain erupting in the back of his jaw and attempted to keep his teeth apart and not touching.

"Alright, up you get," the dentist said, patting the side of Kili's leg. "I'm sure your uncle's eager to see that you've survived."

Kili nodded again. Anything to get out of this stuffy room with this weirdo dentist and his walrus mustache...

"I know the name of an excellent oral surgeon," Dr. Mallard explained to Bilbo. "He could probably get Kili here in within the next couple of weeks."

The younger man smiled politely and nodded, arm arm the shoulder of the teen curled into his side.

"Of course, Dr." he said cheerfully. "What ever you suggest. Thorin and I really just want to get this taken care of before it cause poor Kili any more pain." At the mention of his name, Kili nuzzled his face into his shoulder. The teen was very clearly _done_ with adult talk and ready for home.

"If you could just fax over his information, that would be fantastic. You have my fiance's number I assume? He'll be the one to talk to about it," he said quickly. He picked up his jacket and made sure that Kili had his still on as well. He really wasn't in the mood for anymore talking himself. It had been a dreadfully long afternoon. Thank the gods for all the practice his cousin Lobelia had given him in dodging out of unwanted conversations. He was a pro at it by now.

The doctor nodded, a bit surprised at their haste, and the two scurried off. They'd gotten all the way to car before Kili tapped him on the shoulder.

"Um, Uncle Bilbo?" he asked. Bilbo glanced at him sideways.

"Yes, Lad, what is it?"

"Kili bit his lip as he tried not to smile too widely, "You forgot to pay..."

Bilbo pause with his key halfway to the lock on the passenger side door, and groaned in realization.

"Bloody hell!" he hissed and made an about face. He handed the keys to the cackling teenager and said, "Start the car, I'll be right back," before rushing back into the building.

Chapter two/end


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter three

Thorin pulled into the driveway of his house. His head was pounding after a frustrating day of dealing with demons and dragons. Otherwise known as Bilbo's ex and Bilbo's ex's cohort.

Azog had been especially aggravating today. Seriously, who cared if his stupid pet was part white wolf. It had nothing to do with how much labor was being exported over seas (too much, in Thorin's opinion, but what did his opinion matter anyway, he was only the CEO of the whole damn company).

The house was surprisingly quiet when he walked through the front door. Too quiet, he thought. He checked his watch; 5:45. He frowned. School had been out for hours and Bilbo's store closed at 4pm on Fridays.

He walked cautiously into his house, wondering if the apocalypse had come and he had missed it. He had just entered the living room when he decided to call our to his dear fiance.

"Bilbo? Are you here?" Above him, on the second floor, he heard a scuffle and what sounded like hurried footsteps.

He looked to the stairs and saw his beloved blonde fiance standing on the landing.

"Oh, Thorin!" he said with a happy smile. Thorin raised an eyebrow at him. His fiance looked exhausted. "I wasn't aware that it was so late! I meant to have dinner started hours ago but I just now got Kili to sleep, poor dear."

It clicked. Today had been Kili's operation! No wonder Bilbo looked tired! Kili was a handful on a normal day, nevermind after coming up from anesthesia. How could he have forgotten?

"Oh! Wait here!," Bilbo exclaimed. "I've got something to show you!" With that, the small man raced back to where ever he'd come from (presumably from his youngest nephew's bedroom).

Bilbo return short with his mobile in hand. Now, there weren't many things in the world that Thorin was afraid of but the smile that stretched across his fiance's lips was downright evil and was nearly enough to send the business man running for the hills.

Bilbo was giggling by the time he reached him (Yes, giggling. The man was clearly a demon from hell and Thorin was just now seeing his true colors). He handed him the smart mobile.

"Poor Kili had a bit of poor reaction to the medicine they gave him. Thorin took the mobile, curiousity overwhelming him.

Pulled up on the screen was a video. A video with a certain nephew who was looking higher than a bloody kite.

Unsure of whether or not, he actually wanted to watch whatever this video contained, Thorin pressed 'play'.

"_**What's in my mouth?" began the teenager. Kili was sitting in the backseat of Bilbo's car, looking extremely confused.**_

_**The camera shook slightly, followed by Bilbo's amused laugh.**_

"_**They're stitches, Dear." he said.**_

"_**Oh...why?"**_

"_**You've just had your wisdom teeth out today." **_

"_**Oh..."**_

There was silence in the video for about five seconds then, _**"What's in my mouth?" Bilbo snickered again. **_Thorin had the distinct feeling that this had been going on for some time before his fiance had decided to film it. He checked the video's time and blinked, it continued for a whole _SEVEN MINUTES_! He paused just as his nephew was about to ask what was in his mouth for the third time.

"Please tell me that you did not take a seven minute long film of my nephew asking- and forgetting about- stitches..."

Bilbo had the decency to look affronted. But not about what Thorin thought. "Of course not Thorin!" he said. "Skip to about four minutes in. That's when it gets _really_ good."

The man clearly had no shame! But still, Thorin sighed and did as he asked.

Better is not the word that Thorin would have used. No, it was definitely worse...so much worse...

The business man winced as Kili began to wipe at his eyes and nose with his hands.

"_**Uncle!" the teen whined. "Uncle, help! I'm leaking! The plumbing isn't connecting again!"**_

Thorin cringed at how distraught Kili sounded.

"_**Here, Love," came Bilbo's voice off frame. A tissue appeared in front of the boy's face and he took it absentmindedly. "That's for your leaking."**_

"_**Oh... does... can this leaking build the ocean?!" **_Thorin winced again. Dear gods this was painful to watch. Why hadn't the child simply passed out already. He looked exhausted enough to.

"Didn't they give you any sleeping pills for him?" he hissed, watching as Kili was now moaning about Bilbo not being his brother.

"_**You have a brother already, Baby. Fili, remember?" Bilbo cooed gently. Kili's eyes grew wide in realization.**_

"_**Oh my god! Fili! Oh Uncle Bilbo, I love Fili!" **_Oh gods, was the boy actually crying now?

"_**I know you do, Dear."**_

"_**He... He's such a good brother!" The teen sobbed. "Uncle! I'm still leaking and I don't know what it means!"**_

"_**It's just the medicine, Darling, now sit back and rest alright? We'll be back at home soon."**_

_**Kili sat heavily back against the seat. "I am home, Uncle." he said with vindication. "Cause- cause I got home in mah heart," he put his hand over the left side of his chest. "R-right here, Uncle Bilbo. Right here!"**_

"_**Yes, I know, Baby, now rest alright?" Kili leaned back on the soft car seat, looking utterly wiped out. The car was silent for about two seconds while Bilbo drove. Suddenly, Kili sat up in fear, screeching at Bilbo to look out.**_

Thorin blink. What on earth was the child's problem now?

"_**What?" Bilbo asked, alarmed. "What is it? What's wrong?" Kili looked wide eyed and incredulous at the camera(aka Bilbo).**_

"_**The DRAGON Bilbo," Kili said, pointing at a spot off frame. "You gotta watch out for them and not hit them!" The sound of Bilbo's barely contained laughter filled the car again.**_

"_**Alright, Sweetheart," he crooned. "I promise that I will not hit any dragons."**_

"_**Oh, thank you, Uncle," Kili said, immensely relieved. And lay back against the seat once more. "That- that would be bad." **_

There was silence in the car again for the last 30 seconds of the video. Well, nearly the last 30 seconds anyway. Just as the video was winding down, Kili looked at the camera once more, his eyes glazed over and confused and asked,

"_**What's in my mouth?"**_

Thorin closed his eyes and shook his head at the horror he had just witnessed. Bilbo cackled maniacally beside him.

"The poor thing started sobbing about his feet being two different sizes when we got home." he said, wiping the tears from his hazel eyes.

"And don't be surprised if you get a call from Fili later as well. I think Kili phoned him before I took his mobile away and put him to bed." The smaller man took his own mobile back from his fiance who stood in the middle of the living room, shaking his head.

"If I didn't know better, I would think that my life was some sort of sitcom," he muttered. Bilbo laughed cheerfully and pulled him down for a brief kiss.

"Well if it is, then at least it's an entertaining one..."

The next morning, Kili trudged in to the kitchen, wiping sleep from his eyes. His head felt like mushy cereal and his limbs felt about three sizes too long for his body. He mumbled "Good morning." to his two uncles who were chatting at the table.

Bilbo looked at him with kind eyes. Thorin with no small amount of trepidation. "Good morning, Kili. I didn't think you'd be awake yet," Bilbo said, standing and coming around the table to give him a hug.

Kili leaned heavily into the man's arms. He felt his tongue hit something shoved between his cheek and his teeth. What the...?

"Wha- what's in my mouth?" he asked. Thorin groaned.

"NOT AGAIN!"

Chapter three/End


End file.
